Butcher “Just In It For The Shouting”

Butcher John Redmond today admitted what he loves most about his profession is the shouting.

The highlight of his day is, while serving someone with Cumberland sausages, to turn his head to one side and bellow an announcement about gammon shanks.

He said: “I love the shouting, it’s what get’s me out of bed. There’s a real skill to it; it helps to add a suggestion of a cockney accent. It’s what people expect from a loud-mouth food seller”

John used to sell meat from a large van in provincial Northern towns but now works in an indoor butchers in a shopping centre. He is adamant the technique is still as relevant as it ever was: “some people may claim that people shopping in HMV and Next aren’t going to be tempted to buy a full chicken on impulse. They’re wrong, I can bark them into believing it’s exactly what they left the house for”

“I also get a jaunty hat”.

Kanye West to star in Mrs Brown’s Boys

It has been revealed that racoon-ish twat-bag Kanye West will feature in a ‘festive’ edition of Mrs Brown’s Boys.

The perplexingly popular egomaniacal dipshit and karaoke fluffer will appear in a specially scribbled episode in front of a (technically) live studio audience. The details of the ‘story’ are being kept under wraps but an insider has revealed that Kanye will be playing ‘an enormous cock-end’.

A showbiz bollocks-for-brains at the BBC gurgled, “This is going to be awesome. We may even make commemorative selfie sticks to make it even more bitingly relevant”.

Mrs Brow’s Boys fan and general cretin Jason Longpoke squealed ‘This is everything I could ever want from life and more. I thought they could never top the antics of a man dressed as woman with an Irish accent but this is a whole new level in banter’.